also as soon as i acknowledged what was going on and that thinking abotu things was upsetting me it stopped being subtle and also got roughly 70x worse and now i’m just a huge mess of roiling confused upset

so like

i guess the moral of the story is REPRESS YOUR FEELINGS OR THEY WILL ACTUALLY TRY TO KILL YOU

i just consciously realised talking to my intake handler this week that what i like to do above all else is think about things, write and talk about things, examine things, be interested in things or angry or delighted about things, and then explain why, and how, and listen to other people explaining things and being interested in things, and then make more things

and right now the idea of examining any thought, object, image, anything is actively upsetting me for NO REASON I CAN QUANTIFY OR SOLVE

so i am left with absolutely nothing; what am i even supposed to do when all of what i do as a human being is inexplicably horrible to me right now

(god i hope this sloughs off in my sleep i can’t keep on like this AND I MISS BEING MEDICATED)

there are all these ~actual substance~ posts I want to make or comment on or messages I want to answer but every time I try to think about doing even the most basic ‘saying something about a thing’ measure it triggers this well of VERY UPSET and I can’t even string together enough words for a sentence. 

this is not a particularly comforting state, let me tell you.

(also I’m lonely and want to talk to people about things but I can barely talk about things, like, any things, it’s really stupid and vile and I don’t know what the base trigger at work here is, if I’m paranoid people will hate what I say or if the idea of effort exhausts me or if I just feel like my thoughts are going to come out all flat and not as interesting as they are in my head or what.

I miss medication.)

jessica stopped answering my texts

i think i may have… killed her…

i’m sorry